A Quick Thought

I finally edited my profile and put a very small bit of info. on there about myself. I have a terrible habit of proofreading things AFTER I have posted them. So as I am reading my "new" profile I notice that I have written that I'm 29 and not 27. This may not seem like a big deal, but with all my fears of aging lately, why in the world would I make myself older??? I'll have to give that nasty subconscious a stern talking to later on!

Vroom, Vroom

I am one step closer to getting a vehicle... Yippie! We have been shopping around for a couple of months. I've been wanting a Mustang for years, but now that we're living somewhere where there is actually nasty weather I've decided that I want another SUV. I also don't want to pay an insane amount, and I want a vehicle that is not a gas hog. Jay pointed out the Kia Sportage and after looking at a bunch of photos of the interior, I thought that we had found what I wanted. We set up an appt. with a dealership in Nashville to go look at the ones they had in stock, but alas, things came up and we were unable to go.

Then yesterday, Jay recieved a phone call from a Suzuki dealership. I had forgotten that I had applied for financing online... they were calling to inform us that we were approved and they can sell us any vehicle on their lot =D What a great birthday surprise! So of course I turned my attention away from the Kia and started checking out Suzukis. I think I've finally decided on the Grand Vitara. It's really roomy, the seats fold down, I can put a canoe on top (or my skis lol), and it's good on gas. Not to mention there's a control on the inside that changes the way it handles in different weather conditions ~ a definate plus!

Jay's schedule is super crazy this week, but we are going up to Nashville to look at it on Thursday, Saturday at the latest. I'm super excited and can't wait to be a two vehicle family again! It will make my job hunting so much easier =D

Another Year Older ~ Random Thoughts and Reflections

Here's to another year gone. I think I am finally beginning to feel old. I have been reflecting on my past, present, and future a great deal lately. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, as most people do this around New Years. The problem that I'm having is that I don't like what I see, and have found myself more often than not wondering what life would be like had I made different decisions along the way. Please do not take this the wrong way... I love my husband and children and would not trade them for anything! It just seems that the older I get, the more lost opportunities I see piling up.

I'm not sure I would be feeling this way if I wasn't having such a hard time finding a job. I feel like I'm just sitting here watching the world pass me by one day at a time. The small child in me that still dreams on a regular basis is wondering what we're doing. Why are "we" just sitting here? This wasn't the plan! My aspirations when I was younger were so much grander than this. And now I find myself begging for a job, even with a college degree. Was that too, just a waste of time?? I am really starting to wonder.

I have decided for my birthday this year, that I am going to turn back the clock. I am going to spend the time remembering what those dreams were and get to work on them. I am going to stop sitting on the sidelines of life and get in the game. I do not want to be old and grey one day, sitting on the porch, full of regrets that didn't have to be.

*I am very lucky to have a man in my life that I know will support me no matter what!!!*

As I sit here with this mish mash of thoughts I am reminded of this fact. He is the one who found me when I was completely broken and hopeless and loved me in spite of my self hatred. He has been a comfort and a constant reminder that life is worth living. He is there for me whenever I need him, and when he is not physically here I take comfort in knowing that he wishes he was, and that we carry each other in our hearts.

This has been a tough year, and it honestly seems to have flown by now that I am on the other side of it. This year included:
~ the second half of Jay's short tour
~ a couple of months in Arkansas
~ saying good bye to Florida
~ saying hello to Fort Campbell, KY
~ my baby starting kidnergarten
~ finishing my Associates degree
~ starting my Bachelors degree
~ a reminder on what is most important in life (love, family, and good friends)
~ learning who I could count on and trust (yet again)
~ a few lessons in human behavior that i could have done without
~ connecting with some old friends, and making some new ones

I think that's about it for now... I may choose to reflect more later, but for now, I need to get up and moving.

Broken Record

So here we go again... I have not written in a long time due to depression. Every time I sit down to write I stop mid blog because my own thoughts make me sick, and I decide they are not worth sharing. I hate feeling sorry for myself and have chosen not to put all that crap on paper. But I have reached a point that I just need to vent.

Ben has lived with us now for 6 months and he has gotten a lot better. He unfortunatly still has no respect for me and I don't know how to fix that. It's not just me though, it seems to be all women. He is not mean, he just doesn't respect women as authority figures (who can blame him though, after what he's been though?). It breaks my heart thinking of the hardships that he will experience due to this attitude. To top that off Jay is deploying again and has agreed to send Ben to AR while he is gone. We sat down and talked to Ben about this and gave him a choice in the matter. He would rather not stay with me, and considering past situations I agree with this decision. So we will be taking him to AR at the end of Christmas break.

I am looking forward to a road trip, but at the same time I'm nervouse. I seem to be having trouble controlling my mouth, I let what I'm thinking pop out without thinking lately. I'm just hoping I can keep my mouth in check during this trip. It wouldn't be so bad if I had not finally reached a point where I could care less about what people think of me. ~ugh~

Anyways.... some good things have been happening to help balance out the bad. I have become a volunteer with the American Red Cross. Once I get my TB tests done I will be volunteering at the SRP (Seasonal Readiness Program) site. This is where soldiers come through pre and post deployment for medical readiness. The girls that work there are sweet as can be and I think this will be very good for me. I was also told that most volunteers are hired on full time. I am also trying to get my resume together to apply for a couple more jobs on post. I am dragging my feet in this department and have been for months. Jay keeps reminding that I have a degree and that I almost done with my BBA, but it's still hard for me to sit down and put my past on paper and make it look good. I have had too many dead end jobs and for the last 4 years my employment has been short and sporradic.

I suppose that's enough for now. I'm going to play with my iPod for a bit and enjoy the sound of the thunder outside and the silence inside. I know it will be short-lived because the boys will be up soon.

Our Toughest Critic

Why is it that we are our own toughest critic? What is it that causes us to see ourselves as less than others around us? I just finished up my first bachelors degree class, decision making. It was an intense class, but I really enjoyed it and learned quite abit about human behavior and myself. One thing I did not expect to learn, but did, was how tough I really am on myself.

Our classes are 5 weeks long, which in reality is a very short period of time to cram an entire class into. Those of you who have attended a brick and mortar school can relate... imagine having only 5 weeks to read an entire text book and demonstrate that you have learned each concept.. it's rough at times. Anyways, I'm getting of track. For each class we have a group project. For this class it was due at the end of week 5 (today). Our teacher required us to begin working on it in week 2, as he weighs the grade as 70% for participation and 30% for content. I was voted into the position of group leader which I am honestly used to. I did my normal routine i.e. scheduleing meetings, facilitating them, emailing and posting meeting summaries, blah blah blah.... The group got off to a great start! We had our written work posted for discussion by Tuesday of week 3... we were smokin'!

At this point in the project, I was hitting an extreme emotional low. I began to slack on work and then decided to pick up and drive to Arkansas to hang out with my mother in law and sister in law. Before I left Florida I stepped down as the group leader, as I didn't want the group to suffer over my personal issues. I felt horrible, but I did what I had to do. Once I got settled in AR I began to develope an irrational fear of logging onto campus. I was positive that my group members would be angry with me and that I had let everyone down. When I finally worked up the nerve to log in and check the group's status and my email I was surprised at what I found.

Almost everyone in the group had emailed me telling what a fantastic leader I was. They offered their support as well. It really touched me in a way I don't think I can describe on paper. Because of this support I once again had motivation and I jumped right back into the project head on. After working out the last bit of details (grammer, wording, etc...) the project was posted for final comments. I was once again taken aback by the comments I was seeing written by team mates. One team mate wrote the following:

Group I am so very pleased with what this project. I feel as tho this has been
the most pleasant experience in all my group experiences. Thank you to
Jessica
and Rosanne for taking the brunt of the load. You ladies did an
outstanding job
and are to be commended for your leading efforts! CC

After checking on the group project I hopped onto the class discussion board to post my assignment that was due in this section and comment on other posts. I enjoy commenting on fellow group members work because I find that after working together I can better relate to them. So here I was sifting through posts by my team mates when I stumbled across this posting (this is the second half of the posting.... the assignment dealt with the concept of responsibility, more specifically who we believe who holds the ultimate responsibility, the leader or each member):

Example:
In my experience here at AIU online the group projects have been
very difficult. I have to say the group project for this class has been the most
pleasant of all my group projects. Our first leader was strong and very well
organized. She posted and emailed to keep everyone informed. Unexpectedly she
had to step down and ask someone else to take the role. I admire her for having
the ability to know what she could and could not handle. She would have remained
an excellent leader however other issues needed her undivided attention. Our new
leader stepped in and kept things going without any problems. Whether we had an
effective leader or not the responsibility to complete our assigned parts and
submit them according to group deadlines is on each of us individually.

I was once again touched, and reading this public post brought tears to my eyes. I had beaten myself down to the point where I felt like a complete failure and here were all of my team mates openly saying that I was the complete opposite of what I had created in my own mind.

Why is it that we are at times (for me this is more often than not), so eager to put ourselves down, but we will go out of our way to build up those around us? This experience has taught me that I need to be more compassionate towards myself. We can't be perfect and it's time that I realize this and accept that my best will have to do. In the future I will try to judge myself in the same way that I do the people around me. I think that this will lead to a much healthier self-image and less stressful lifestyle.

Empty

I now have Matthew's schedule back on track. In bed and asleep by 8pm and up again around 7am. Not a bad schedule if only I could manage to get mine back on track as well!

I'm so tired of not sleeping, but my body adjusted to the wacky schedule so now I'm lying awake every night while Matthew is snoozing away... so unfair!! I really think that a big part of it is this huge empty bed. I try to snuggle to pillows, but that's just not the same. So then I toss and turn. I eventually just resign myself to sitting back up and hopping on the net.

I know I'm whining, but this just really sucks! Those individuals who are holding up the compassionate reassignment process best hurry up, or one day they will find a sleep deprived crazy woman at their office, and that wouldn't be good for anybody involved.

What really gets to me is that before all this emergency stuff happened with the boys, I was fine. I was back on track with school (after recovering from the moving mess). Matt was in Pre-K. We were on a very good schedule that included sleep! I wasn't feeling nearly as needy and codependent. Why should I have been? I was spending my days doing homework and going to the mall.

Now Matt is out of school and my days are blending together. It's like this whole month has been one continuous day with little nap sessions mixed in. I lost my motivation for most everything. I'm like a lump on a log lately. I don't even pick up the phone anymore to call my friends because unless Matt's asleep alls they will here is me telling Matt to go play so I can talk.

*sigh*

I'm going to once again try and set this darn computer down and go to sleep. My hubby is supposed to be waking me up in less than 4 hrs. so I can get up, do some homework, and go have lunch at my Dad's. G'night all (hopefully)

Ranting

Do you ever feel like time has picked up speed and left you scrambling to catch up. Like the universe is in some sick and twisted way playing a joke at your expense? Well that's how I'm feeling lately.

To start, my son's schedule has been super messed up lately. He has been staying up later and later every night. This finally came to a head last night when he did not sleep at all. It's worse that having a newborn! At least when they're first born they can't move around and get into everything.

I woke up this morning to blaring music, my lamp on, ketchup and mayo all over the kitchen counter, and a whiney four year old who is sleep deprived. So you may ask, how did he accomplish all of this? I try and stay awake until he falls asleep, but after a month of this behavior I'm exauhsted. I fell asleep around 7 am, and only slept 3 hours. Boy, can he do a lot of damage in 3 hours!

To top it off I'm finishing up two classes, so the lack of sleep is NOT helping me write papers that make sense. I'm frustraed and nearing the end of my rope. I just one good night of sleep, is that too much to ask? I even tried keeping him awake all day today after his all-nighter. That was unpleasant all on its own. But then I laid him down at 8pm and he was right back up at 2am, hence why I'm still up at almost 4am ranting on here.

I am counting the days until my husband is home again, and I can just snuggle up to him and let the rest of the world drift away.