~ Stardust & Slime ~

A Quick Thought

2009-01-09T11:50:00.004-05:00

I finally edited my profile and put a very small bit of info. on there about myself. I have a terrible habit of proofreading things AFTER I have posted them. So as I am reading my "new" profile I notice that I have written that I'm 29 and not 27. This may not seem like a big deal, but with all my fears of aging lately, why in the world would I make myself older??? I'll have to give that nasty subconscious a stern talking to later on!

Vroom, Vroom

2009-01-06T09:40:00.003-05:00

I am one step closer to getting a vehicle... Yippie! We have been shopping around for a couple of months. I've been wanting a Mustang for years, but now that we're living somewhere where there is actually nasty weather I've decided that I want another SUV. I also don't want to pay an insane amount, and I want a vehicle that is not a gas hog. Jay pointed out the Kia Sportage and after looking at a bunch of photos of the interior, I thought that we had found what I wanted. We set up an appt. with a dealership in Nashville to go look at the ones they had in stock, but alas, things came up and we were unable to go.

Then yesterday, Jay recieved a phone call from a Suzuki dealership. I had forgotten that I had applied for financing online... they were calling to inform us that we were approved and they can sell us any vehicle on their lot =D What a great birthday surprise! So of course I turned my attention away from the Kia and started checking out Suzukis. I think I've finally decided on the Grand Vitara. It's really roomy, the seats fold down, I can put a canoe on top (or my skis lol), and it's good on gas. Not to mention there's a control on the inside that changes the way it handles in different weather conditions ~ a definate plus!

Jay's schedule is super crazy this week, but we are going up to Nashville to look at it on Thursday, Saturday at the latest. I'm super excited and can't wait to be a two vehicle family again! It will make my job hunting so much easier =D

Another Year Older ~ Random Thoughts and Reflections

2009-01-05T10:51:00.004-05:00

Here's to another year gone. I think I am finally beginning to feel old. I have been reflecting on my past, present, and future a great deal lately. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, as most people do this around New Years. The problem that I'm having is that I don't like what I see, and have found myself more often than not wondering what life would be like had I made different decisions along the way. Please do not take this the wrong way... I love my husband and children and would not trade them for anything! It just seems that the older I get, the more lost opportunities I see piling up.

I'm not sure I would be feeling this way if I wasn't having such a hard time finding a job. I feel like I'm just sitting here watching the world pass me by one day at a time. The small child in me that still dreams on a regular basis is wondering what we're doing. Why are "we" just sitting here? This wasn't the plan! My aspirations when I was younger were so much grander than this. And now I find myself begging for a job, even with a college degree. Was that too, just a waste of time?? I am really starting to wonder.

I have decided for my birthday this year, that I am going to turn back the clock. I am going to spend the time remembering what those dreams were and get to work on them. I am going to stop sitting on the sidelines of life and get in the game. I do not want to be old and grey one day, sitting on the porch, full of regrets that didn't have to be.

*I am very lucky to have a man in my life that I know will support me no matter what!!!*

As I sit here with this mish mash of thoughts I am reminded of this fact. He is the one who found me when I was completely broken and hopeless and loved me in spite of my self hatred. He has been a comfort and a constant reminder that life is worth living. He is there for me whenever I need him, and when he is not physically here I take comfort in knowing that he wishes he was, and that we carry each other in our hearts.

This has been a tough year, and it honestly seems to have flown by now that I am on the other side of it. This year included:
~ the second half of Jay's short tour
~ a couple of months in Arkansas
~ saying good bye to Florida
~ saying hello to Fort Campbell, KY
~ my baby starting kidnergarten
~ finishing my Associates degree
~ starting my Bachelors degree
~ a reminder on what is most important in life (love, family, and good friends)
~ learning who I could count on and trust (yet again)
~ a few lessons in human behavior that i could have done without
~ connecting with some old friends, and making some new ones

I think that's about it for now... I may choose to reflect more later, but for now, I need to get up and moving.

Broken Record

2008-12-24T10:33:00.005-05:00

So here we go again... I have not written in a long time due to depression. Every time I sit down to write I stop mid blog because my own thoughts make me sick, and I decide they are not worth sharing. I hate feeling sorry for myself and have chosen not to put all that crap on paper. But I have reached a point that I just need to vent.

Ben has lived with us now for 6 months and he has gotten a lot better. He unfortunatly still has no respect for me and I don't know how to fix that. It's not just me though, it seems to be all women. He is not mean, he just doesn't respect women as authority figures (who can blame him though, after what he's been though?). It breaks my heart thinking of the hardships that he will experience due to this attitude. To top that off Jay is deploying again and has agreed to send Ben to AR while he is gone. We sat down and talked to Ben about this and gave him a choice in the matter. He would rather not stay with me, and considering past situations I agree with this decision. So we will be taking him to AR at the end of Christmas break.

I am looking forward to a road trip, but at the same time I'm nervouse. I seem to be having trouble controlling my mouth, I let what I'm thinking pop out without thinking lately. I'm just hoping I can keep my mouth in check during this trip. It wouldn't be so bad if I had not finally reached a point where I could care less about what people think of me. ~ugh~

Anyways.... some good things have been happening to help balance out the bad. I have become a volunteer with the American Red Cross. Once I get my TB tests done I will be volunteering at the SRP (Seasonal Readiness Program) site. This is where soldiers come through pre and post deployment for medical readiness. The girls that work there are sweet as can be and I think this will be very good for me. I was also told that most volunteers are hired on full time. I am also trying to get my resume together to apply for a couple more jobs on post. I am dragging my feet in this department and have been for months. Jay keeps reminding that I have a degree and that I almost done with my BBA, but it's still hard for me to sit down and put my past on paper and make it look good. I have had too many dead end jobs and for the last 4 years my employment has been short and sporradic.

I suppose that's enough for now. I'm going to play with my iPod for a bit and enjoy the sound of the thunder outside and the silence inside. I know it will be short-lived because the boys will be up soon.

Our Toughest Critic

2008-07-14T03:40:00.006-04:00

Why is it that we are our own toughest critic? What is it that causes us to see ourselves as less than others around us? I just finished up my first bachelors degree class, decision making. It was an intense class, but I really enjoyed it and learned quite abit about human behavior and myself. One thing I did not expect to learn, but did, was how tough I really am on myself.

Our classes are 5 weeks long, which in reality is a very short period of time to cram an entire class into. Those of you who have attended a brick and mortar school can relate... imagine having only 5 weeks to read an entire text book and demonstrate that you have learned each concept.. it's rough at times. Anyways, I'm getting of track. For each class we have a group project. For this class it was due at the end of week 5 (today). Our teacher required us to begin working on it in week 2, as he weighs the grade as 70% for participation and 30% for content. I was voted into the position of group leader which I am honestly used to. I did my normal routine i.e. scheduleing meetings, facilitating them, emailing and posting meeting summaries, blah blah blah.... The group got off to a great start! We had our written work posted for discussion by Tuesday of week 3... we were smokin'!

At this point in the project, I was hitting an extreme emotional low. I began to slack on work and then decided to pick up and drive to Arkansas to hang out with my mother in law and sister in law. Before I left Florida I stepped down as the group leader, as I didn't want the group to suffer over my personal issues. I felt horrible, but I did what I had to do. Once I got settled in AR I began to develope an irrational fear of logging onto campus. I was positive that my group members would be angry with me and that I had let everyone down. When I finally worked up the nerve to log in and check the group's status and my email I was surprised at what I found.

Almost everyone in the group had emailed me telling what a fantastic leader I was. They offered their support as well. It really touched me in a way I don't think I can describe on paper. Because of this support I once again had motivation and I jumped right back into the project head on. After working out the last bit of details (grammer, wording, etc...) the project was posted for final comments. I was once again taken aback by the comments I was seeing written by team mates. One team mate wrote the following:

Group I am so very pleased with what this project. I feel as tho this has been
the most pleasant experience in all my group experiences. Thank you to
Jessica
and Rosanne for taking the brunt of the load. You ladies did an
outstanding job
and are to be commended for your leading efforts! CC

After checking on the group project I hopped onto the class discussion board to post my assignment that was due in this section and comment on other posts. I enjoy commenting on fellow group members work because I find that after working together I can better relate to them. So here I was sifting through posts by my team mates when I stumbled across this posting (this is the second half of the posting.... the assignment dealt with the concept of responsibility, more specifically who we believe who holds the ultimate responsibility, the leader or each member):

Example:
In my experience here at AIU online the group projects have been
very difficult. I have to say the group project for this class has been the most
pleasant of all my group projects. Our first leader was strong and very well
organized. She posted and emailed to keep everyone informed. Unexpectedly she
had to step down and ask someone else to take the role. I admire her for having
the ability to know what she could and could not handle. She would have remained
an excellent leader however other issues needed her undivided attention. Our new
leader stepped in and kept things going without any problems. Whether we had an
effective leader or not the responsibility to complete our assigned parts and
submit them according to group deadlines is on each of us individually.

I was once again touched, and reading this public post brought tears to my eyes. I had beaten myself down to the point where I felt like a complete failure and here were all of my team mates openly saying that I was the complete opposite of what I had created in my own mind.

Why is it that we are at times (for me this is more often than not), so eager to put ourselves down, but we will go out of our way to build up those around us? This experience has taught me that I need to be more compassionate towards myself. We can't be perfect and it's time that I realize this and accept that my best will have to do. In the future I will try to judge myself in the same way that I do the people around me. I think that this will lead to a much healthier self-image and less stressful lifestyle.

Empty

2008-05-04T03:32:00.003-04:00

I now have Matthew's schedule back on track. In bed and asleep by 8pm and up again around 7am. Not a bad schedule if only I could manage to get mine back on track as well!

I'm so tired of not sleeping, but my body adjusted to the wacky schedule so now I'm lying awake every night while Matthew is snoozing away... so unfair!! I really think that a big part of it is this huge empty bed. I try to snuggle to pillows, but that's just not the same. So then I toss and turn. I eventually just resign myself to sitting back up and hopping on the net.

I know I'm whining, but this just really sucks! Those individuals who are holding up the compassionate reassignment process best hurry up, or one day they will find a sleep deprived crazy woman at their office, and that wouldn't be good for anybody involved.

What really gets to me is that before all this emergency stuff happened with the boys, I was fine. I was back on track with school (after recovering from the moving mess). Matt was in Pre-K. We were on a very good schedule that included sleep! I wasn't feeling nearly as needy and codependent. Why should I have been? I was spending my days doing homework and going to the mall.

Now Matt is out of school and my days are blending together. It's like this whole month has been one continuous day with little nap sessions mixed in. I lost my motivation for most everything. I'm like a lump on a log lately. I don't even pick up the phone anymore to call my friends because unless Matt's asleep alls they will here is me telling Matt to go play so I can talk.

*sigh*

I'm going to once again try and set this darn computer down and go to sleep. My hubby is supposed to be waking me up in less than 4 hrs. so I can get up, do some homework, and go have lunch at my Dad's. G'night all (hopefully)

Ranting

2008-04-27T03:39:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like time has picked up speed and left you scrambling to catch up. Like the universe is in some sick and twisted way playing a joke at your expense? Well that's how I'm feeling lately.

To start, my son's schedule has been super messed up lately. He has been staying up later and later every night. This finally came to a head last night when he did not sleep at all. It's worse that having a newborn! At least when they're first born they can't move around and get into everything.

I woke up this morning to blaring music, my lamp on, ketchup and mayo all over the kitchen counter, and a whiney four year old who is sleep deprived. So you may ask, how did he accomplish all of this? I try and stay awake until he falls asleep, but after a month of this behavior I'm exauhsted. I fell asleep around 7 am, and only slept 3 hours. Boy, can he do a lot of damage in 3 hours!

To top it off I'm finishing up two classes, so the lack of sleep is NOT helping me write papers that make sense. I'm frustraed and nearing the end of my rope. I just one good night of sleep, is that too much to ask? I even tried keeping him awake all day today after his all-nighter. That was unpleasant all on its own. But then I laid him down at 8pm and he was right back up at 2am, hence why I'm still up at almost 4am ranting on here.

I am counting the days until my husband is home again, and I can just snuggle up to him and let the rest of the world drift away.

Learning 2 Eat

2008-04-24T18:37:00.000-04:00

In my mindless wandering the other day, I stopped by a friend's blog titled Watch this video if you Dare. She immediatly had my attention. I followed the link enclosed which led to a video called Meet your Meat.

If you are going to follow this link be forwarned that it may forever change your view of what you eat.The video itself was very graphic. In parts I had to turn the volume off and I had to turn my head away a lot as well. If you haven't looked at the video yet, or haven't figured it out yet... the video was about factory farming and what animals go through before they reach the supermarket. For those of you who know my husband, this even had an impact on him as well. So much in fact that he is going to join me in venturing into this new lifestyle. This says a lot to me. Especially considering his favorite food is steak!

I made the immediate decision after watching this video that I just can't go on supporting this cruel treatment of animals, by paying for and eating meat. When I made this decision I began to research and found that not only is this a sad truth, but that eating meat is actually VERY unhealthy; this includes fish and dairy.

So once I decided to go meat-free I was left with a small problem... where to begin. The site GoVeg as well as their cooking blog VegCooking seem to be very good places to start. I also inquired with my friend that was responsible for this change in me, where I should start. She recommended the book, The China Study. This book is what led to the change in herself and her husband. I will be purchasing it on payday and can't wait to read it. She has also helped me out by listing some of the Vegan-friendly brands and letting me know which are better than others. If you want this info. please feel free to ask.

Another thing that I am looking into is eating more raw foods. I have found some great blogs that share recipies and cooking methods. I will post these in my "Where I Spend My Time" section as I re-vist them.

To me, this is a no-brainer. If eating meat, fish, and dairy damages your health coupled with the abuse these poor animals endure before we eat them, why would you want to? I am begining this journey a little scared. I was a vegetarian in highschool, but that was mostly because I enjoyed starving myself and it was the easiest way to mask that I was doing this. Now that I have a family to consider, and the well fair of my growing children, it's quite different. I must make sure that I'm meeting all of their nutritional needs during and after this transition.

Like I said... if you're intrested in joining me, then let me know and we can learn about this together. Also know that I'm not going to become some crazed, judgemental lunatic that looks down on people who DO eat meat, fish and dairy. This is just a personal decision that I have made. And if you have any experience with raw or organic foods or even the vegan lifestyle and can offer any tips, info. or suggestions please feel free =)

Knowledge @ Your Fingertips

2008-04-24T15:28:00.000-04:00

My next couple of posts will be dedicated to learning. More specifically what I'm learning and how, along with the new discoveries I'm making, and how my friends are teaching me.

The first thing I want to talk about is iTunes. Now I know for fact that I'm way behind the curve on this one. My wonderful husband bought me an MP3 player for Christmas and other than dowloading some of my favorite playlists and be-bopping while do homework, I haven't goten much use out of it. Don' get me wrong.. I LOVE my MP3 player, I have just been finding it hard to find more uses for it.... until now!

Let me start at the begining. My computer threw a fit at me the other day. When I turned it on it would not log me into my profile, it instead kept telling me that I was being put into a tremporary profile. After much digging and scanning, I found a nasty little virus, but was able to get it off my system... transfer all of my files into a new profile, and basically start from scratch. When I created the new profile my computer treated me like a brand new user and all the original offeres and such that came with my computer began popping up. One of these happened to be Apples' iTunes. When I first bought my computer I didn't have a use for the program and just ignored it. But NOW... well oh boy!

I installed iTunes and began exploring. My favorite section has become the audiobooks. I first downloaded a book by favorite author Nicholas Sparks. The 10 hour book took me only days to get through... and now I'm hooked! Next I downloaded a neat little book that teaches basic Italian to music. I can now ask for coffee, if I can pay with a credit card, where things are and other neat and helpful phrases.

At this point my quest for knowlege is running at full speed. So I dug even deeper. I began to read reviews about books in topics of intrest to me. Because I am studying finance, that was my next logical step. I found a book entitled The Total Money Makeover by, Dave Ramsey. WOW!! This book has set me on FIRE!! It is all about how to manage your money wisely. And though most of it is common sense, I sadly lack in this department, so the entire book was like an epiphany for me. He breaks through many myths that so many of us associate with debt and money... it really is incredible! And he does it all in a very straight forward, sometimes comical manner. If you have EVER struggled with money, or wondered how in the world you will ever live with peace where money is concerned I recommend that your next available $15 is spent on this audiobook. I will never look at debt and money the same way again!

My next venture, was browsing through the podcast section. What a great little section =) I hit up the family and parenting section first where I downloaded a couple of podcasts put out by real parents who tell about their own struggles and lives. I was literally hanging on every word and found myself laughing out loud. I have also found Fox News Network podcasts YAY!! For those that don't know me.. I don't spend a lot of time in front of the television, in fact I don't have cable. The only thing that can be found on my t.v. are children's movies for my 4 year old. So finding a way to stay connected to the outside world that doesn't require too much reading of news articles everyday has made me super happy!

I guess you could say that since I found iTunes I have felt that something has been added to my drab life. It amazes me that there is so much knowledge out there! Yes, there is fiction, which is enjoyable, but there are so many books, podcasts, and radio channels that you can learn from. This has blown my mind and reawakend in me a desire to learn as much as I possibly can. I feel like a kid in a candy store =)

I would love to hear from y'all if use this program and if so, what are YOUR favorites and why even =)

Slimey

2008-04-10T16:01:00.000-04:00

When I began this blog, I said that I would be sharing the good with the bad, and my life lately has been... well... less than stellar. So here goes: I spent two months out of state due to a family emergency. The two months had their ups and downs. My husband was sent home for 3 weeks to deal with the issues that were keeping me away from the sunshine I have come to crave. And even though we didn't get any alone time other than driving back and forth to the hospital, I was very grateful for the time.

After 3 weeks it came time for my husband to fly back overseas and for me to drive back to the good ol' Sunshine State. I was sad that he was leaving, but relieved that I was finally going home to sleep in my own bed for the first time in 2 months. I headed home shortly after Easter with our 4 year old in tow. I left Arkansas around lunch time on a Friday. After a very long haul, I reached my apartment at 5:30 a.m. on Saturday morning. I unloaded my computer and purse and made the trek to the doorway, so happy to be home. I unlocked the door and attempted switch on the living room light. To my horror there was no electricity. Turns out the electric company had made a mistake. I was too tired to do anything about it, so I crawled into bed and slept until late that afternoon.

When I woke up, my husband called to let me know the electric company couldn't fix the problem until customer service opened on Monday and could sort the mess out. So off to a hotel I went. I love living in Orlando, but during the spring break time frame, it's not the best place to try and find a reasonablly priced hotel room. So I settled with something close to the house and decided to deal with the highway robbery cost of the room. Once settled I tried to get my homework done, but eventually gave up, as my son would not let me concentrate.

After dealing with the electric company, they finally restored our power on Wednesday, at which point I was able to go home again. Only to find that the mistake was made almost a month ago. Now, before I had left for Arkansas I had just gone grocery shopping. If you don't already know what happens to food in a refrigerator with no power over a period of time, then I pray you never do. Needless to say, my apartment stunk and the refrigerator was not salvageable. Two days later I was forced to clean it out so that management could remove it from the apartment and replace it. *I swear I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of my life.* While moving it out, maintinence spilled nastiness all over my carpet and broke the wood trim on one of my doorways. They sent someone over on Saturday to clean the carpet.

At this point I figure I am out of the woods. Oh, did I mention that I had been gone so long, that the mailman thought I had moved with no forwarding address and sent ALL of the mail back to sender? Well that was just icing on the cake. During all of this process we also had to renew the truck insurance, only to discover the tags were about to expire! Talk about adding insult to injury. In order to have FL tags put on, I would either need POA's from my husband and his mother or they would both have to fill out the paperwork, have it noterized, and then mailed to the tax acessor's office ~Ugh!~

I figure, enough said about this topic. It has been horrid but I have lived through worse.

Through the Eye's of a Child

2008-02-24T02:37:00.000-05:00

"When You Thought I Wasn't
Looking

When you thought I wasn't
looking, I saw you hang up my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted
to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't
looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to
animals.

When you thought I wasn't
looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I knew that little things
are special things.

When you thought I wasn't
looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I believed there is a God I could always
talk to.

When you thought I wasn't
looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight, and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't
looking, I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could
be.

When you thought I wasn't
looking, I LOOKED....and wanted to say thanks for all the things I saw when you
thought I wasn't looking."

I have been thinking a lot in the last week and a half about how children see the world. You would think this wouldn't be such a hard task... imagining life through a child’s eye, considering that we were all children once, but it has proven to be pretty difficult for me.

There are two children in my life right now that are in a situation that requires the utmost empathy. One of these children may be facing a possible diagnosis of Asperbgers Syndrome, which is a type of autism. I have done some research and I will be very surprised if this child is not diagnosed as such. It explains the attitude, moods, actions, and behaviors I have witnessed in him in all the time I have known him. It would also mean though that he was not aware, and had no control. That is the part that really pulls at my heart. How must the world appear to him? How can he expect to live happily when something he has absolutely no control over puts him into more trouble than I care to speak about?

I feel so much guilt right now. Guilt for getting angry, guilt for giving up, guilt for not being there in the way he needed it. I also feel fear, fear of my own ability to handle this situation. A fear that I will lose my patients before it's all said and done.

On the other hand, I feel compassion, empathy, love, and hope. These emotions I pray will carry me through this and allow me to open my heart up to this child and make the world around him a better place for him; a world in which he learns that love CAN conquer all, a world where he doesn't have to be angry and sad and not know why.

They say that God will never hand us more than we can handle, so I must believe that I can. It is my belief that we do not live in a world of coincidence, rather everything, no matter how small, happens for a reason. I must embrace these recent events for what they are... a gift; an opportunity to take a broken soul and make it whole again.

I'm Just a Girl...

2008-02-22T06:55:00.000-05:00

It seems that most blogs I have read start out with a "get to know me" post. I have honestly sat and tried to write one, but I keep deleting it. I suppose it would be easier for me to say why I am writing as opposed to who I am.

Growing up I have always kept some type of journal to express my thoughts. They were my outlet and safety net. I could let it all out without being judged. I've looked at these collaborations of writing as windows into myself. I often times look back on them, whether it be a day, a week, a month, or years, and learn something new about myself.

In recent years, I abandoned my writing because I became afraid of letting most of the truth out. I'm not saying that I have deep, dark, devious secrets... just that I like for the good stuff to show on the outside, not the bad. I am now coming to terms with the fact that it is okay to let go and let everything out. We don't live in a sit-com where there are no real problems, and that any mishap, misfortune or misunderstanding can be solved in 30 minutes or an hour if you happen to be living in a 'to be continued...' episode. Life is what it is. We must accept the good parts as well as the bad.

So I would like to invite you to join me for this ride. I can not guarantee that it will be a joyride. I can not guarantee that I will make sense all the time. I can just guarantee that I will be honest. This is my life... the good with the bad... both the stardust and the slime.

*~ Stardust & Slime ~*